This week there was a firework-like, superstar spectacular-level crank and scissors were involved. It was not brought on by the pregnancy, oh no. It was entirely the fault of Mr. Cranky. Due to covid, Mr. C. hadn’t had a haircut in months and wanted me to cut his hair at home. [Mr. C: Despite having unsuccessfully attempting this kind of thing many times in the past I persisted. Ya’ll understand how aggravating it is to have that hair growing all down your neck. I felt way too animal, too primal in that state to focus at work, to eat at the table, to not burp in public. SOMETHING had to be done.]
We watched the youtube video at least three times. With scissors in my hands I felt like Vidal Sassoon. This was the first time I had ever cut someone’s hair. I was feeling empowered since I was in control. Things were going well, we both were enjoying it and laughing. Mr. C. then made the BIGGEST mistake of his life. Just as the super-sharp special haircutting scissors approached his noggin he called me by his ex-girlfriend’s name.
Top tip: Never mention an ex. Even better, NEVER mention an ex when your current love is holding scissors!!!!! The fault lines began to appear instantly. Before the name left his lips Mr. C started apologising profusely – at least partially because sharp edge of the scissors were very nearly surrounding his earlobe. I forced myself to see the funny side…but it took me a while. I am proud to say that Mr. C looked like a hair model by the time I finished with him.
On an entirely different note I am sure you are all wondering how my bra situation is. If we’re being honest with ourselves, who ISN’T interested in my breasts, really. Well, all those bras I ordered in Week 10 had to be sent back. Nothing fits me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! On the other hand a strange man looked me up and down while I was walking my puppy and he gave me “that look” – all I could think was “yes yes yes I still have it!”
I am so so sorry. SOOOOO sorry. I don’t know what happened. Well, maybe I do. I always claim to understand everything so let me make something up to convince you and myself. In the stress of someone blatantly ignoring the very clear suggestions of the YouTube hairdresser, and the inability to manage to take over and trim myself, I think my brain just mis-fired big time. I immediately knew I had done wrong. I didn’t even need to see the scarlet colour entering her visage. Miss C. was kind not to elaborate on the grovelling that ensued: “yes, you are right, that looks really good. No, it’s not too short in that one spot. No, 80’s glam rock hair is totally back in style, it’s great!”
If I had to be held accountable for the things that come out of my mouth I would have to say that the haircut really wasn’t half bad. Even my colleagues who had never met me in person commented on my video calls how neat I looked. Well done Miss C!!!
In other news, she absolutely does still “have it.” I am more than happy to continue buying her new bras each week, as long as I get to meticulously measure them before clicking “order.”